I Would Die for You Part 4
by Amanda Renee
Summary: See Part One


See Part One for Disclaimer: 

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"Mom!" Amanda was pulled from sleep as she heard Jamie crying out.Sitting up she wrapped her arms securely around her still sleeping son.Rocking him back and forth she tried to comfort him the best she could.His sobs were breaking her heart as she could only sit helplessly waiting for them to subside.Finally after a few minutes he settled down began resting once again.

Leaning back against the headboard she closed her eyes and sighed.As she opened her eyes they instantly fell on the still sleeping figure in the chair. Somehow he had managed to stay asleep through Jamie's nightmare.Smiling slightly felt completely loved knowing that Lee had stayed with them all.Knowing he was there loving her and her boys it put her mind at ease and helped her know that they would be all right. 

Moving slightly she found her back was stiff from sleeping between the boys.Slowly sliding down to the end of the bed she sat for a moment stretching her arms above head.The tension began to abate and from her position she could see the innocent look on her husbands face.Just looking at him she knew he had fallen asleep only out of sheer exhaustion wanting to keep vigil over his family.

Walking to him she stopped beside him and tenderly brushed his hair out of his eyes.Someday she would thank him for being her rock for loving her enough to take on the weight of this burden.Her thoughts raced wondering how she would ever find a way to thank him and as much as her heart ached for the death of Joe it felt hope and promise with the love of the man that sat sleeping in front of her.

He could smell her sweet scent and her tender caress opening his eyes he found his entire world stood before him. For an instant their eyes spoke and he could tell she needed him Reaching up he took her hand and pulled her down onto his lap wrapping his arms securely around her.Her body shivered in the coolness of the night and as she laid her head on his chest he brushed his lips across her forehead.

"How are you doing?" He asked quietly not wanting to wake the boys noting they were finally sleeping peacefully.

"I think I'm doing all right.The boys need me right now…"

"Amanda, you need to take care of yourself too…"  
"I know…and I will…I'm just so worried about them…" she said looking over to the boys.

"We'll help them get through it…but let me help you through this…"

"Lee, I said I'm fine." She replied looking up into his eyes.Her hand gently caressed his cheek as her eyes looked at him reassuringly. Bending down he tenderly kissed her as he longed for her to tell him that she needed him.Just looking into her eyes he could see the overwhelming pain but until she was able to admit it to herself he could only hold her and pray she would realize she needed to talk about it.

After a few moments he heard her steady breathing and looking down he saw that Amanda had fallen back to sleep. As he sat holding her in his arms he began thinking of a way to try and get her to open up to him. He was worried she hadn't cried since he had brought her upstairs to clean up in fact it appeared her only concern were the boys. Knowing she was trying to be strong for Jamie and Phillip he couldn't understand why she was having a problem talking to him.Since the moment he had met Amanda she had always found a way to be open and honest with him sharing most everything.But there was something about Joe and their relationship that he had never been able to get her to talk about.Somehow he had to get inside the distant pain that she was still clinging onto and get her past everything that had happened with Joe.

As the morning sun made its way upward through the majestic blue tiny rays of light began to filter inside the room.Opening his eyes Lee found his arms empty and searching for Amanda and he didn't find here there in the room. Checking the boys he noted that they were still resting peacefully.Making his way down the hall he quickly checked on Dotty and finding that she too was still resting he went down the stairs in search of Amanda. Entering the den he found her deep in thought. 

"Good morning." He said startling her as she looked up from notes before her.

"Morning," she replied as Lee came and sat down."I didn't realize everything that needs to get done.I have to call the funeral home, the school, Joes' family, then there are flowers…" Amanda continued going over her notes. 

"Amanda, there are things I could be doing, you don't have to be doing all of this by yourself." Lee said taking the notebook from her hands and placed it on the table.Taking her hands in his he looked up and tried to reason with her.

"Lee, I'm fine, these are things that need to get done…"

"Mom?" They both turned as they heard Phillip and Jamie descending the stairs. 

"Boys I'm in here." Amanda said standing and going to them leaving Lee sitting alone on the couch. He watched as she gathered them in her arms and brought them into the den.Rising from his spot on the couch he moved to the nearby chair allowing them their space. 

"Good morning fellas." Lee said moments after they all sat down. 

"Morning Lee." They both said solemnly briefly meeting his stare almost unaware of his presence. 

"How are you both feeling?" Amanda asked cutting Lee off before he could begin speaking again.

"Tired." Phillip responded. 

"Hungry." Jamie said at the same time as his brother spoke. 

"Well why don't you come into the kitchen and I'll get you both something to eat."

Lee watched as she gathered the boys and directed them to the kitchen where they sat solemnly at the island.None of them said a word as Amanda set out a box of cereal and the gallon of milk.He noted the weariness in his wife's eyes and her usual fluidity had been replaced with almost rigid robotic movements. She stood fixated on the boys and as he spoke she continued standing her eyes unmoving.

"Amanda, I'm going to go to my apartment and get some things." He said finally as the boys started picking at their food. 

"Huh, Lee did you say something?"She asked turning to him with an expressionless face. 

"Yes, I'm going to my apartment to get a few things.I'll be back in a little while." He repeated from his position near the refrigeration. 

"Okay," she responded as her attention went back to the boys. 

"Do you need anything?"

"What?" Again her attention was startled back to Lee.

"Do you need anything?"

"No we're fine." For a moment Lee held his position wanting to take Amanda in his arms and take her with him. Dotty was there and could take care of the boys.But he knew Amanda would never willingly go with him and he couldn't force her. As he fished his keys out of his pocket he walked out to the car. 

Unlocking the door he opened it and slid behind the steering wheel. Placing the key in the ignition he turned it and the corvette roared to life. As he put the car in gear he turned and glanced at the house.For so many years Amanda's house had held memories of happiness for him.It was on all of the quiet nights in her backyard that he had fallen in love with her.They had learned to trust and began growing first as friends, then partners and finally as lovers.Amanda had always been his beacon of light when his nights were dark. Now as he stared at her house he felt the spark was beginning to lose it's flicker and he was lost at how to retain it. 

By the time he arrived home he was dazed and a strange sensation of fear had formed in the pit of his stomach.He knew how to deal with pain; he knew how to deal with his pain.In the years before Amanda he had become accustomed to keeping his feelings and emotions bottled up.By the time he met Amanda he had been ready to emotionally blow as his emotional reserves had been tapped.Through the years she had taught him to trust her and it was with this trust that Lee knew he could confide to Amanda about anything.

Entering his apartment he went right to his bedroom and grabbing a suitcase he plopped it down on the bed making the box already lying there jump.Stopping Lee picked up the box and sat down the bed.Gently lifting the lid off he looked down at the delicate silky fabric that was the nightgown.Lifting it out he picked up the black velvet box at the bottom and for a moment he just sat there staring at it knowing what it contained.It had been the special surprise for Amanda, the ruby and diamond ring for her to wear in place of her engagement ring.Ever since they had gotten married he had hated the fact that neither was able to wear their symbols of love and devotion.After a lot of consideration he knew he wanted to give her something that she could wear and seeing the ring he knew it was perfect.

He had planned the night before to near perfection.After her party at the house he had planned on bringing her back to the apartment where they would enjoy some champagne and listen to some quiet music while snuggling in front of a roaring fire.He had wanted to just hold her in his arms and let their love radiate through the room something that was never possible in public.They had managed to find a few moments together over the past couple weeks but that night would have been the first night they would have spent together in over a month.Lee had worried that wanting her all to himself on her birthday was selfish but Amanda had protested and assured that would make her selfish as well.

Now as he sat staring at her presents lying in his lap he was unsure what exactly to do with them.Giving them to her now was inappropriate with her state of mind.Placing the lid back on the box he stood up and moved to the closet.Making space on the top shelf he slid the present upward and shut the door.For now they would have to remain there until the right time came to give them to her.

Throwing a few things inside his suitcase he clicked the locks shut and exited the room.Entering the living room he spied the champagne still sitting in the ice bucket.Setting down his suitcase he went over picking up the bottle as the melted ice ran down the bottle and dripped onto the floor.A 1983 bottle of Dom Perignon he had gone out to buy a bottle of champagne and as he stared at the selections he finally selected this particular year as a symbol of when they first met.Since their union as man and wife Lee had felt a particular sense of belonging that he had never felt before.Even though he and Amanda hadn't been living together she had managed to make sure he was becoming a large part of the family. Now as he felt her drifting away this too became a concern, he was finally a part of a family he couldn't bear to lose this one too.

Carrying the bottle into the kitchen he placed in the refrigerator.He didn't care if the champagne was flat or not he was going to hang on to it for a while.Lee Stetson couldn't allow himself to become pessimistic about the current situation.Years ago he would have given up thinking there was no hope but now Amanda had taught him to be optimistic and he would for her continue in those thoughts because her love and being part of her life and family was worth more than all the hardships they were going to endure.His Amanda had helped him grown as a man and he would find a way to help her through everything.

Walking back into the living room he bent to pick up his suitcase as the phone rang. Sighing he shook his head and dragging his feet he walked to the phone.Waiting through another ring he picked it up and hesitantly he answered."Hello." 

"Lee?" Billy's voice rang out clearly through the other end of the receiver.

"Yeah? How did you know to try me here?" 

"I called Amanda's and she said you had gone home."

"I told you I couldn't come in today…"

"Look I know what you said…but…Lee we received some information and I think you're going to want to take a look at it."

"What is it Billy?"

"I don't want to discuss this over an open phone…" Lee could hear the urgency in Billy's voice and he knew it was something big.He needed to be home with Amanda and the boys they needed him but he also knew he needed to know what was going on.Someone had taken a shot at his wife with every intention of killing her.His feet stood planted wanting to go in two different directions.

"Let me get back to Amanda, I'll try to get in sometime today." With a final word of goodbye Lee hung up the phone.Breathing in deeply he ran his hands through his hair wondering if he had made the right decision.Considering the current events in his life and those around him he wasn't sure any decision was the right choice.

Picking up his suitcase he moved to the door and turning off the light he left his apartment.Making his way to his car he put his suitcase in the hatch and moved to drivers side.Getting in he started the Vette and headed back to Amanda's.He began playing everything out in his head trying to come up with ways to help Amanda and the boys.All of the books he had bought on raising children had been about development and only one had briefly touched on the subject of grief.The section had been so small he had figured it would be something that wasn't necessary. Now he wished he had read it more carefully knowing as long as Amanda was having troubles dealing with her grief the boys would need him even more.

Traffic was light as he drove back towards the house.Driving into the neighborhood he slid his car into its parking space out front.He couldn't allow his fears to overtake the present he needed to stay focused on his objectives and only then could he begin dealing with his own fears.Grabbing his suitcase from the hatch he made his way up the walk. Immediately he knew something was wrong as arguing could be heard from the typically quiet house.Opening the door he heard Jamie and Phillip yelling from the den.

Setting his suitcase down he moved into the room and found them locked in battle.Phillip had his arm gripped tightly around his younger brothers neck as Jamie struggled his arms flailing making brief contact with his brother. As he made his way to them he searched for Amanda and began to wonder where she was. "Boys!" Lee yelled above Phillip's ranting voice and Jamie's cries for help.As soon as they heard his voice they stopped and Phillip let go of Jamie letting him fall to the floor in a heap. "What is going on here?" Lee asked helping Jamie up and towering over them.

"Jamie stole something from me!" Phillip said glaring at his brother as Lee moved to stand between them to prevent another struggle. 

"No I didn't…Dad gave me that!" Jamie argued as tears began streaming down his face. 

"Okay for starters what is this you are arguing over?" Lee asked trying to calm them both down so they would be able to get to the bottom of the altercation. 

"Dad gave me a picture of the three of us…"

"NO he didn't he gave it to me!" Phillip insisted as he dashed forward once again going after his brother.Lee stepped in and easily pulled the young man back.

"Okay, Okay, come on," Lee replied calmly trying again to do the same with them. "Where is this picture?"

"Over there." Jamie said quietly pointing to mess of broken glass.Bending down Lee gently picked up the picture as the glass chards slid off joining the other lying on the floor.In his hand he held a picture of Joe with the boys it looked like it was taken sometime shortly after Joe had returned. They were standing together and the joy they were feeling was eminent on their faces. Lee knew that this picture was probably one of the few things the boys had to remember the father that they never really knew.

"Fellas I think I have a solution…I know this won't be from your father but I could take this and get a copy made that way both of you have a picture…" He looked back and forth between the boys trying to decide if that idea was kosher with them.

"You really could do that?" Jamie finally asked looking up at Lee a tiny smile creasing onto his face.

"Yeah, it might take a day or so but I could have the guys at work do it…" Lee knew without a doubt anyone at the agency would be willing to do something like this for Amanda's family.Over the years of her employment she had managed to make friends with at least one person in every department."Now, how about we sit down for a minute and talk this out." Lee said motioning to the couch where they all walked and sat down. "Now I know you are both upset and you have every right to be upset but instead of fighting how about when you both get upset you come to me."

The boys sat there for a minute pondering Lee's suggestion.They had only known him for a few months but during that time had grown to really like and even trust him."You mean it?" Phillip asked after a second in a way it put his mind at ease to know that there was someone else there to talk things out.

"Yes I mean it, what you guys probably don't know is I lost both of my parents when I was a lot younger than you both.I know it's hard."

"You lost both of you parents?" Jamie asked his eyes wide with wonder as if for the first time since they had heard the news of their father's death he had finally found someone to talk to.

"Yes I did, when I was five." 

"How?" Phillip asked quietly trying to take everything Lee said in.

"Well that's a tough question to answer but they died together in an accident." He gave them the short answer knowing that if he told them anymore they would have a lot more questions and he wasn't ready to answer them yet. "Someday I will tell you the whole story okay?" He waited for their response and as they nodded their heads he continued. "Where are your Grandma and your Mom?"

"Grandma went to get some things from the store and Mom she's upstairs sleeping, I think." Phillip replied quietly and Lee noted a hint of concern in the older boys' voice. 

"What's the matter?"

"Mom…she just seems strange." 

"Well a lot happened here last night, you both are very important to her and I'm sure she is just wanting to make sure you both are all right. I'm going to go up and check on her all right?" He waited for them to nod their heads and then standing up he started walking towards the stairs. 

"Lee?" He heard Phillip's voice from behind him and he turned around. "Thanks, you know for being here."  
"You're welcome, both of you, you're dealing with a lot right now and I'm here to listen whenever you want." Turning back around he made his way up the stairs. Making his way quietly down the hall he stopped outside her bedroom.Slowly turning the doorknob he opened the door grimacing as it creaked open.Poking his head inside he found Amanda standing at the window staring out into the bright daylight.

"Hey…" he said walking in and leaving the door open a crack in case the boys needed them. 

"You're back all ready." She replied leaving her gaze upon the outdoors as if mesmerized.

"I just had to pick up a few things, how are you doing?" Moving forward he stood directly behind her his arms hung at his side unsure what to do with them.

"I heard the boys downstairs but just couldn't make myself go down there,"

"Yeah, we had a talk when I came back they are all right.They are doing fine, I told them I would get a copy of the picture Joe gave them," at the mention of her ex-husband's name Lee noted her shoulders tighten in tension. 

"I've been trying to get them to talk to me but they won't, so I came up here to think." Finally taking a step forward Lee gently placed his hand on her shoulder hoping the connection would allow her to open up to him."I guess I should get downstairs though huh?"

"Amanda, what are you hiding from? It's me, Lee, your partner…your husband…I know you're hurting talk to me." He spoke as he turned her around and looked down deeply into her eyes."Talk to me…please…I can't have you shut me out like this."

"Lee, really I'm fine, listen I needed a moment and I came up here, there is nothing wrong with me.I'm going to go down to the boys, they need me now." With that she walked out of the room leaving Lee standing at the window with his heart in this throat. It was ripping him up inside to see her like this to know she needed someone and being unable to convincer her of that fact.

"Amanda, I love you…and I promise if it's the last thing I ever do I will help you through this." Lee spoke out loud his promise when he really wanted to scream.Joe had died but looking around him he realized it was almost as if Amanda had died too.The sparkle was gone from her eyes and the smile had been replaced with a solemn expression.Turning around he headed back down the hall and down the stairs.Going into the kitchen he found Amanda setting things on the island as she prepared for lunch. 

"Amanda," 

"Come on Lee, just please…. don't start.I said I'm fine and I'm fine." Her words cut through him like a knife as she continued getting lunch ready without even taking the time to look up at him. The woman before him was not his Amanda and he wasn't clear how to get her back.He was trying everything he could think of to reach her and nothing was working.Defeat was written all over his face and finally he knew he needed to leave. 

"I'm going to go in to the office, I'll be back later." 

"All right…" Taking a few steps away he stopped and briefly he turned back to her. His entire body cried out wanting to go to her and make her understand that she needed to talk this out. Knowing there was nothing further he could do he stepped out of the kitchen and into the den.Finding the boys quietly watching television he went to them and sat down. 

"Fellas, I'm leaving for a little while but I want to give you a number where you can reach me." Taking a piece of paper and a pen off the coffee table he jotted down his office number and his car phone number."Here are two numbers where you can reach me if you need to talk. I will be at the top one for most of the day so try there first, and the bottom one is for my car phone," 

"Wow, thanks Lee."Phillip said as he and Jamie looked up at the man before them. Neither boy was exactly sure why Lee was doing this but both had a deep sense of trust for this man they had only known for a few months.

"Remember anything, I'll be back later this evening." Standing Lee let the boys go back to their television and stopping for a second he looked back into the kitchen and found Amanda once again staring out the window.Shaking his head in defeat he sighed and walked out the door leaving his suitcase still sitting in the foyer unattended to.

Amanda heard the door open and shut she knew he was gone.Her body wanted her to go after him to apologize for what had happened and the things she had said.But she was so confused there was so many emotions she was dealing with and she didn't need to burden Lee with them.She knew it would be better if they just spent some time apart because she knew it would only be a matter of time before Lee started working more hours and putting his job before her anyway.

Hearing the boys in the living room she knew she had to be strong for them. It was hard trying to keep a brave face for them both.Her entire body screamed with exhaustion and so much of her wanted to crawl into bed and not wake up for a month but that would be selfish.The important thing was making sure the boys were all right.

"Amanda…Amanda…" She was pulled from her thoughts by her mother's voice.

"Oh Mother, you're back all ready." Amanda said snapping out of her trance and helping her mother with the sacks of groceries.They set them on the counter and Amanda immediately began putting them away. 

"Amanda, you don't have to do that let me…" Dotty said seeing the weariness in her daughters' eyes. "By the way where is Lee going?" 

"What is it with the twenty question Mother?He was here and he left…Boys come on in here it's time for lunch." Amanda quickly changed the subject as she finished putting the groceries away.The boys came in and quickly made a sandwich and then retired back to the den to finish watching television.

Dotty watched as her daughter went through the motions making herself a sandwich and making up a plate for lunch.She noted that Amanda just wasn't herself the spitfire wasn't there any more.Something had to be done but she too was at a loss of what to do.The boys suspected something and Dotty wasn't sure what would happen if they lost their mother too.

Lee knew he needed to get down to Billy but first he needed a moment to collect himself.He was nearly positive that Mrs. Martsen could tell something was wrong when he came in only a few minutes earlier. In all his life he had never had such a feeling of fear come over him. He had faced terrorists and kidnappers and had looked death in the eyes more times than he wanted to consider but now this was the hardest thing he ever faced before.His thoughts took him back to the first year he and Amanda had worked together she had thought he was dead and he showed up at her house needing a place to hide.Her eyes had welled up with tears at the sight of him and she had started talking, "I don't care if you don't care that I care…" the funny thing was even back then he had cared about her well being.Now though his hands were tied, as he had to wait for her to come to him.For now though he would immerse himself in the case hoping that she would eventually realize she needed to talk before it was too late and he lost her. 

Looking to her desk he sighed and left the Q Bureau making his way down to the bullpen to meet up with Billy.As he walked through the halls he noted the glances he was receiving and after a few moments he realized that word must have somehow gotten out about their marriage.Upon reaching the bullpen everyone looked at him as if he had come back to life.

"All right people, get back to work…I'm sorry Lee, Francine was typing up my reports from last night and well the fact about your marriage was in there and she…well you know Francine…she didn't mean any harm by it I guess you can say everyone is just a little shocked that our Scarecrow is actually married."

Lee stood there for a minute as he listened to Billy ramble as if trying to rationalize why Lee was now the center of attention at the office."Billy, what is it that you found out?" He finally asked as soon as Billy was finished talking.

"Come in here and I'll show you." 

Entering the office Lee sat down at the chair opposite Billy's desk.He waited until Billy rounded his desk and pulled out a small file folder.He paused for a second and Lee could tell the material inside must be sensitive if Billy was worried about his reaction.Finally Billy handed it to him and Lee opened it up.

"Serdeych? I thought he was locked away in a maximum security prison." Lee said thinking he had heard the last of Tin Man.  
"He was, they still aren't sure how he got out…" Billy said quietly not wanting to heighten Lee's suspicions but they both knew that Serdeych was more than likely the person who fired the gun the night before. 

"Billy if he finds out that Amanda isn't dead…that she wasn't the one that took the bullet…" Lee couldn't fathom finishing the sentence he knew how ruthless Serdeych was he had already lost Dorothy because of the doublet agent he wasn't going to loose his entire life now.

"Don't worry about that I am already on it.Joe's murder was buried as a Jane Doe.We have held off the funeral home for a few days hopefully giving us enough time to catch this guy before he realizes that he didn't kill the right person.But just incase I have a small team of six men, on Amanda's house. They are switching shifts on irregular watches the times are constantly changing when a new watch begins and the hours are overlapping.I don't want to take any chances with this guy."

Lee sat there for a minute the last time he had seen this guy he had thought it was his last.The Oz Network was something he had finally come to terms with that and Dorothy's death.Their relationship had never been that of a sexually intimate setting more of an intellectual but they had shared so much.When she had died it had crushed him but he had been able to move on but now the same man was after his wife and that was a completely different story.Amanda completed him in a way no one else had ever done before.Serdeych had to be stopped before he could do any further harm to Lee's life. 

"Okay well let me get on this and I'll let you know."

"Lee I have everyone I can spare working on this you don't have to…go home to Amanda, she…"

"I need to do this…" with that he stood and started walking out the door.Pausing he turned back to Billy, "Billy, I love her…she's the best thing that ever happened to me.I can't lose her…not like this." As he finished he left Billy's office.Watching him leave Billy knew that Lee meant more by his words than just losing her to Serdeych something was happening emotionally between the two and as their friend he prayed that whatever it was they would be able to work through it.

Hitting the streets Lee made his usual rounds stopping and chatting with several members of his family.He even was lucky enough to meet up with TP Aquinas and unfortunately so far no one had heard anything. "I wish I could give you more. Let me do some more digging and I'll get back to you."

"Thanks TP I appreciate this. We need to catch this guy before he hurts anyone else." Getting up Lee shook TP's hand and turning he left heading towards his car. TP was one of the best if anyone could find information on Serdeych he would be the one to get it. 

Reaching his car Lee sat quietly for a moment.Every person he had talked to either refused to give any information or just didn't have any.All he needed was one solid lead something that would get him going on track to nail this guy.The problem was Lee knew Serdeych he knew how ruthless he was and how coldhearted he could be.

He had several more people to see before he headed home.Looking at the clock he noted it was already seven and the sun was beginning to set.Chances were he wouldn't get back to Amanda's until it was late.As he started the car he contemplated calling her but figured it would just fall on deaf ears anyway so he just decided to finish up and get home late. Besides his mind was working overtime to try and solve the case his chances of actually getting any sleep were slim to none. 

"Boy's its time to eat." Amanda called outside to the boys.After spending most of their day inside Amanda had finally convinced them to go outside.She told them they if they didn't feel up to seeing their friends that was fine but she wanted them to get some fresh air. 

"You know I think the boys are doing all right…they were really upset yet this morning but when I came home from getting groceries it was like they had completely changed." Dotty said as she finished setting the table."Did Lee talk to them?"

"I'm not sure, I think so…they were fighting and I was upstairs and he broke it up…I'm not sure what he said though." Amanda replied not in the mood to discuss her husband.He had told her he would be back early that evening and it was almost eight and he wasn't home yet.

"Mom, I thought Lee was coming," Phillip said as he and Jamie took their places at the table after washing their hands.

"I bet he just got tied up at work…now why don't we eat." Amanda closed the subject and they all sat down to eat. The meal was consumed mostly in silence as they all were unsure what to say.The boys had found their mother was on edge nearly all day and the slightest thing would get her upset.Several times they had thought about calling Lee and asking him to come home but they figured they didn't want to bother him and so they were waiting for him to return. 

"Is Lee going to stay again tonight? I could make up the couch for him." Jamie said as they were nearing the end of their meal. 

"I'm not sure, but I think he would probably prefer to go home and sleep in his own bed." At this Dotty turned to look at her daughter, she knew their secret and figured this would be the best time to tell the boys.

"But Amanda don't…"

"No Mother I think Lee would much rather prefer being at home…" Amanda replied taking her plate and moving to the kitchen to rinse them before placing them in the dishwasher. 

"Grandma, is Mom all right?" Jamie asked worried at the strangeness in his mothers' words and actions. 

"Jamie, she's dealing with the same things you are, but in her own way…we just have to be patient." Dotty said assuring both of her grandsons that things would be all right. "Why don't you both go upstairs and get ready for bed, I'll clear the table for you." They both got up and went up the stairs. Dotty watched as they left she was surprised at how strong the boys were she knew they were grieving and she also knew they were helping each other as best as they could.They had spent the entire day together and sure they had fought more than in a normal day but they were grieving the loss of their father.But they were dealing with their grief talking it out with her, each other and even Lee as they had told her a few hours earlier.As a Grandmother she was worried about the boys but as a mother she was even more worried about her daughter.

"Amanda, are you all right?"

"Why is everyone asking me that? Yes I'm fine, how many times do I have to spell it out for everyone?"

"Amanda, you're grieving…talk to me about it…"

Without responding Amanda slammed the dishcloth on the counter and stormed out of the room. She was tired of everyone concerned with her own well being.Joe was dead; he had died in place of her. For the rest of her life she was going to have to deal with that and no one was going to understand. There were so many things she had left to tell him and instead he had died in her arms.She had managed after they had divorced she would manage again.The boys were her main and only concern she just had to make sure they were all right.

Lee arrived at Amanda's later than he had hoped; it was well past ten.As he pulled up he noted the lights still on inside and was relieved that someone was waiting up for him.Getting out his weary bones told the story of the unsuccessful day he had.Walking up the sidewalk he reached the door and lightly tapped.Entering the house he heard the soft sound of the television. Going into the den he found Amanda sitting up and watching a movie. 

"Hi," He said getting her attention as she continued sitting on the couch.

"Hi," 

"You didn't have to sit up…I could have managed, it's not like this would have been the first time I snuck inside."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about… I think it would be better if you stayed at your apartment for a while.The boys don't know about us and I don't know when or even if they will." 

Lee heard her voice but his mind was stuck on the word "if".For weeks now they had discussed telling her family about them getting everything out in the open. But now it seemed she was reconsidering everything. 

"Amanda…"

"No, Lee, let me finish…I've been doing a lot of thinking today and I think it would be best if…if we took a little time apart. I really appreciate what you did for the boys today…but this…us together, right now I can't do it." 

Lee searched her eyes for a sign of regret as she spoke the words but he couldn't find any. It was almost as if their life together meant nothing to her.Her entire body language was telling him goodbye.His heart reeled in fear as he saw his entire world crashing down around him. "Amanda, w..what do we do?" He was lost for the words to say his mind was not functioning it wouldn't allow coherency.

"I'm sorry Lee…I just…just can't do this…I thought I could…but…I can't do it…." With the final words she fled from the room leaving him standing in the shadows of the diminutive light that the lamp was giving off on the table.His feet wouldn't allow him to move and he was dazed as if someone had just punched him in the stomach.He wanted to race after her to talk some sort of sense into her.It had only been twenty-four hours earlier that they had stood in the kitchen discussing their weekend together and now she was telling him it was over.

He made it to the front door and for a moment he stood staring up at the stairs trying to decide if he should just do what she had requested or if he should go after her.Realizing she needed some time alone he picked up his suitcase and reluctantly turned the doorknob leaving the house.His heart seared in pain that he had never felt before.He wasn't sure how he managed to make it to his car much less actually drive away and make it home.

As he parked his car he sat listening the radio playing but he was oblivious to it.He was lost unknowing what he was feeling unsure what to do. All he had wanted to do was be with her for the rest of his life and he wasn't about to fathom the thought that their life together could just end like this.Too much had happened to bring them together to keep them together to have something like this tear them apart.But his thoughts returned to the expressionless eyes Amanda had when she told him it was over and he couldn't convince himself to be optimistic that things would work there way out.

Getting out of his car he grabbed his suitcase and made his way up the stairs and into his apartment.Setting the suitcase on the floor he made his way to the living room and his wet bar.He needed a drink something strong, something to take away the pain he was feeling.Amanda held a place inside of his soul and just the very thought of ending them was too much to take.

The first glass of scotch went down hard but after the second it got easier and by the seventh he was past the point. He had searched for so many years for someone like Amanda. Then when he had finally found her it had taken him years to finally accept the fact that he was truly in love with her. The day he had placed the engagement ring on her finger he had felt their life together would be near perfection. But now to be tossed aside when he knew she was hurting he couldn't bear it.

As the pain of rejection began welling up inside of him the tears began flowing down his face he was hurting deeper than ever before and wasn't sure how to make it stop.Taking the glass in his hand he threw it harshly against the wall and it shattered into a million pieces as the remaining scotch slowly slid down the wall just as his life was slipping away from him.He needed Amanda in his life to keep him complete to keep him from hurting himself.Without her his life really had not meaning.

To be continued…


End file.
